I took a new job back in April. I worked very hard for it. I interviewed with the regional director, I studied for my insurance producer's license and passed on the first try, I went to sales school for training and have been trying to introduce Aflac to the public ever since.
I was never this depressed when I was creating. Never. I had moments where I felt like I was a failure, but not like this.
This job is practical and easy to get behind. It's a great product and it pays. It helps people every day. But the world is so hateful. Everyone has pre-determined feelings about the way people are, and I'm really fearful of these people.
I have always been a kind of child. I am independent and I know how to live on my own and care for myself. But I fear the adult world. I am easily intimidated by people and I am afraid of this job.
The disappointments are huge. Just this week I expected to have great production due to a fairly successful consultation last week. It was pathetic. I felt like my heart broke. And it occurred to me why the company has 80% turnover of their agents, because I was ready to quit right then. I feel like I have taken on something that is too big for me. There are too many expectations and too many consequences.
Every day I look out into my garden and into my office, which used to be my sewing room, and I regret putting everything aside to focus on work. I was never this unhappy when I was creating. I need to be creating again.
I do not feel abandoned by God or by my family. I just feel alone, all the time.