Friday, September 24, 2010


I am starting this post without a title because I'm not sure where it's going yet.

I have undertaken something that is causing crippling fear in every part of my being - and although every single week I am taken care of and upheld by God's guiding, I still feel this little twinge at almost every moment. A little nagging voice that tells me to quit, to stop putting myself in such uncomfortable positions, to go back to hiding in the house and shutting the world away.

I am actually quite an introverted and awkward person. I am completely content with small things and have never felt a desire to push ahead for greatness. I believe that the person who works quietly in the back, providing the services, is the one who receives the most out of any situation because ultimately, in the end, it's the humble, the meek, and the givers who are recognized by God. And that's always been good enough for me.

I used to have this poster on my bedroom wall when I was a teenager that said "I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future" and it had a picture of Jesus holding the world in the palm of his hand. I've always held very firmly to that belief, and have lived my entire life in a way that reflects it. But I'm getting a little older now, and it's becoming harder to just breeze through life without any worries or fears. I loved being carefree, to just smile every week and say "God is IN CONTROL!" and actually believe it!

Some of my fear has to do with my job. My prospects are small. My territory....well, it doesn't exist. No one knows me and I know few people, and the people I know I am afraid to ask for help from. But my job is to provide a way for people to get through a terrible time - an illness or and injury - with fewer worries about the financial toll. I love this part of my job - it's an opportunity to serve, which is what I do best.

Some of my fear rides on what I see going on in the world around me. I am not political in the slightest. I do vote, but other people's choices in the long run do not mean anything to me. I know what is important and what isn't, and what I see in the world today is kind of frightening to me. I feel like we're all rolled into a giant herd of lemmings and they're about to fly over the cliff. But again, ultimately, who is in control? Certainly not the United States government.

When I was 18, and had just started dating Alex, my future husband, my parents decided that they hated this boy so passionately that a Romeo and Juliet situation arose. And I almost ran away twice and I begged several relatives to let me live with them for awhile. And someone looked at me and said "Lindsey, this too, shall pass. What does that mean?" I hated it at the time, but within a year it had passed. Life went on and Alex went to college far away and I practiced the piano. Eventually we got married. Funny how that worked out.

I suppose I am always looking for encouragement that reminds me that 'this too, shall pass'. Maybe I won't be an insurance agent forever. I kinda hope not. I want to go back to Africa. I want to visit Thailand and Cambodia and Bali and Japan. I want to study cooking and herbology, become a nutritionist, take oil painting classes again, and finish one of the 6 fantasy novels I've started writing since I was 12 and maybe even study medicine! I always conviced myself that I wasn't smart enough to study sciences, but as I get closer to birthday number 30, I feel differently. Like maybe I could buckle down and try something that I never believed I could do. But this horrible sense of FEAR and DREAD that I carry with me all the time is holding me back. Where is it coming from? Why do I let it have a place in my mind? Wouldn't it be great if I could just tell it to get lost, and it actually worked?

It's really windy and stormy today. It's been pretty stormy for most of the week. It's the perfect kind of day to stay hidden in the house and pretend that the rest of the world doesn't exist, except that I have an appointment this afternoon that looks promising enough to be the 2nd group that I've opened BY MYSELF. And I'm scared to death! I will admit freely (here, where the whole world could read it if they wanted to) that this morning I was trying to think up ways I could get out of doing it, even though I NEED to do it because I NEED to act on the opportunity. And I WILL go and do the presentation and answer the questions and hopefully make the 'sale' - even though that's not what it really is - and this afternoon I will be relieved and happy that I did it. But what will I do next week? Seriously.....what am I going to do? If my brain would quiet down, I bet I would be able to hear the still, small voice deep inside that will guide me.

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